July 30th, 2002

The water was loud.
If she could concentrate on her breathing and manage not to panic, the noise was almost calming. She tried to relax and trust that her body would float effortlessly om top of the waves. Even though she feared the outcome of water, she always knew that she was safe whenever it was with her. Maybe it had to do with her birth date. She was never sure if any of that had prescedence in her actions or not but could appreciate the parallels.
Something about Gracie was calm. The restlessness had subsided at least for a time. Her body had started to scar and she was healing. She only feared approching time alone, but was continuing to learn how to embrace it. She started to see what she needed to do to heal - from her broken body and her broken soul. That scarred as well, becoming harder to punture or to even feel. But she still did. She knew that it was still there. She glanced at the reflections of its being on quiet occasion. She pretended that she accepted her reality. She knew what it was but couldn't focus on it directly with the reprocussion that she would loose strength.
The slogan 'One Day At A Time' annoyingly came to mind.
It was interesting with a silent dissappointment for her to meet relative acqaintances.
People who could acctually glance at her heart, as she did, without question or inconfidence. The comfort came from knowing that they existed and the dissappointment lie that they had enough relevance to understand that all you could do was glance back with acceptance.
What did that mean in the long term? Gracie knew the answer but in her youth refused to look directly at it.
She got frustrated in her thoughts and tried to make a decision to leave with out a feasible place to leave for. So she tried to let the frustrasion subside. Another day such as this one wouldn't come again for years.

She understood that and grieved.
July 30th, 2002