I suppose that I can start with why I am lying in the bathtub - blood running through my fingers.
Once I said that I was stronger than this. And it was just as true then as it is now. But it isn't a question of strength; it is more a question of curiosity. They say that he ahs a plan for us and perhaps that each step we take is predetermined. Maybe just pre known. Did I know my fate? Did others? Does it matter? So here I lie not quite a smile on my face. I am not happy. But no trace of fear. That is a feat in itself, it usually only lasts an hour, maybe three hours - however long it lasts it will vanish. That decieving feeling of something close to serinity.
I can already feel the anger slithering in, knowing that if these marks are seen they will only be followed by a lame rehearsed explination. No it was an accident, yes, a car accident, no, I am okay but a friend of mine was killed. Or perhaps a crazy ex-husband who tried to kill me. I am sure that it will be different every time. It is unrealistic that I will ever find someone woho will understand or even tolerate the truth.
Yes I was fucking curious. I have always wanted to know what this felt like and the impact that something like this could cause. And I am not an idiot - I don't want to die - I am young. I know it's a line but I do have a lot more to live for. I could get into it but I'm not going to at this juncture.
Just a few more minutes - like hitting the snooze button on the alarm clock 7 more times before I actually drag my lazy procrastinating ass out of bed. I will eventually clean up the bloo, I will eventually have to. but since it is my blood I will just pick my opportune time to do it. Maybe I will wait until one of my friends call - yeah right - first I am more of a closet drama queen and second it is getting cold in here and my neck is uncomfortable; maybe I will take a shower - that way I will have less to clean up - okay, time to stop playing die in the bathtub - I am moving in a couple of weeks and my apartment is too messy - I would be embarrassed if someone was to come into find me like this if my house was messy. If all of this isn't enough there would defiantly be a question of my mentality when they saw that I haven't done laundry in 2 weeks.
Shit I wish my OCD wasn't quite as random...
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excerpts from a jornal found in an abandoned vehicle in 2005, the journals origin has never been found and the dates may not be accurate
All of this will go away when I am not here
my memory will fade with the distance of time
I quietly face this truth as I sit in the dark away from it
i wonder in the dark if you will forget my face
with the distance you put between us
imagine the place we would live if you were real
Like the romeo who didn't care his Juliet was dead
the word love is sister to hate when it rings in your ears
my memory will fade with the distance of time
I quietly face this truth as I sit in the dark away from it
i wonder in the dark if you will forget my face
with the distance you put between us
imagine the place we would live if you were real
Like the romeo who didn't care his Juliet was dead
the word love is sister to hate when it rings in your ears
All I want is to hide in your corners
in the shadows of you, but you don't exist
cut me out of this dream
i want to end
end is peace, end is hope. I want to end.
lead me down your paths and take me places that I have been
shadows in your eyes corner is what i know about you.
sneak through my Blood
Creep through my veins, i want to feel you in My skin
But don't be real and not true, and don't let me get to you
We use our body's as our hearts
but we are never good enough are you?
in the shadows of you, but you don't exist
cut me out of this dream
i want to end
end is peace, end is hope. I want to end.
lead me down your paths and take me places that I have been
shadows in your eyes corner is what i know about you.
sneak through my Blood
Creep through my veins, i want to feel you in My skin
But don't be real and not true, and don't let me get to you
We use our body's as our hearts
but we are never good enough are you?
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