I am starting to understand that not everything comes from one thing. I can't find what I am searching for in another person, even one that I can't seem to let go of. But I can't find it in solitude either. The search as it stands now, is only accomplished within itself, once I stop looking - I have not given up, but I have lost the point. Who wants nothing and who wants everything? I at different points have thought that I wanted each. But there is something else tucked deep inside of the roots of life that take me on an endless search for a soul I know waits quietly for me to come let loose, so I can finish my days chasing it...
June 3rd, 2002
Light quietly seeped through her window in the bedroom.
She was relaxed and had forgotten the feeling of having slept well.
There were fresh white sheets on her bed and she was surrounded by pillows which were also white. She was changed, comfortable loose p.j.'s she didn't recognize. Like the kind you would imagine a spa would have you wear.
She smiled
Everything was clean, everything was white. It wasn't scary. It was peace.
For just a moment there was peace.
And then she saw the bandages on her wrists.
She looked at them with innocent confusion. Much like a look a child would have. She didn't feel anything. Just the feeling of the white sheets and pillows, surrounding and comforting her.
She lifted her head slightly, curiously looking for some explination by the doorway.
Then she saw Dizzy
She closed her eyes and smiled, laying her head back down against the new pillow.
They didn't need to speak.
Gracie started to cry. Quiet and still with a smile on her face, tears silently made a path down her cheek. Though she was comforted by his love, her heart hurt. She felt her chest swell and become tight. Her heart hurt so much. It was almost a comfort, she felt something.
She could feel
June 3rd, 2003
She was relaxed and had forgotten the feeling of having slept well.
There were fresh white sheets on her bed and she was surrounded by pillows which were also white. She was changed, comfortable loose p.j.'s she didn't recognize. Like the kind you would imagine a spa would have you wear.
She smiled
Everything was clean, everything was white. It wasn't scary. It was peace.
For just a moment there was peace.
And then she saw the bandages on her wrists.
She looked at them with innocent confusion. Much like a look a child would have. She didn't feel anything. Just the feeling of the white sheets and pillows, surrounding and comforting her.
She lifted her head slightly, curiously looking for some explination by the doorway.
Then she saw Dizzy
She closed her eyes and smiled, laying her head back down against the new pillow.
They didn't need to speak.
Gracie started to cry. Quiet and still with a smile on her face, tears silently made a path down her cheek. Though she was comforted by his love, her heart hurt. She felt her chest swell and become tight. Her heart hurt so much. It was almost a comfort, she felt something.
She could feel
June 3rd, 2003
The First Page
I suppose that I can start with why I am lying in the bathtub - blood running through my fingers.
Once I said that I was stronger than this. And it was just as true then as it is now. But it isn't a question of strength; it is more a question of curiosity. They say that he ahs a plan for us and perhaps that each step we take is predetermined. Maybe just pre known. Did I know my fate? Did others? Does it matter? So here I lie not quite a smile on my face. I am not happy. But no trace of fear. That is a feat in itself, it usually only lasts an hour, maybe three hours - however long it lasts it will vanish. That decieving feeling of something close to serinity.
I can already feel the anger slithering in, knowing that if these marks are seen they will only be followed by a lame rehearsed explination. No it was an accident, yes, a car accident, no, I am okay but a friend of mine was killed. Or perhaps a crazy ex-husband who tried to kill me. I am sure that it will be different every time. It is unrealistic that I will ever find someone woho will understand or even tolerate the truth.
Yes I was fucking curious. I have always wanted to know what this felt like and the impact that something like this could cause. And I am not an idiot - I don't want to die - I am young. I know it's a line but I do have a lot more to live for. I could get into it but I'm not going to at this juncture.
Just a few more minutes - like hitting the snooze button on the alarm clock 7 more times before I actually drag my lazy procrastinating ass out of bed. I will eventually clean up the bloo, I will eventually have to. but since it is my blood I will just pick my opportune time to do it. Maybe I will wait until one of my friends call - yeah right - first I am more of a closet drama queen and second it is getting cold in here and my neck is uncomfortable; maybe I will take a shower - that way I will have less to clean up - okay, time to stop playing die in the bathtub - I am moving in a couple of weeks and my apartment is too messy - I would be embarrassed if someone was to come into find me like this if my house was messy. If all of this isn't enough there would defiantly be a question of my mentality when they saw that I haven't done laundry in 2 weeks.
Shit I wish my OCD wasn't quite as random...
no date
Once I said that I was stronger than this. And it was just as true then as it is now. But it isn't a question of strength; it is more a question of curiosity. They say that he ahs a plan for us and perhaps that each step we take is predetermined. Maybe just pre known. Did I know my fate? Did others? Does it matter? So here I lie not quite a smile on my face. I am not happy. But no trace of fear. That is a feat in itself, it usually only lasts an hour, maybe three hours - however long it lasts it will vanish. That decieving feeling of something close to serinity.
I can already feel the anger slithering in, knowing that if these marks are seen they will only be followed by a lame rehearsed explination. No it was an accident, yes, a car accident, no, I am okay but a friend of mine was killed. Or perhaps a crazy ex-husband who tried to kill me. I am sure that it will be different every time. It is unrealistic that I will ever find someone woho will understand or even tolerate the truth.
Yes I was fucking curious. I have always wanted to know what this felt like and the impact that something like this could cause. And I am not an idiot - I don't want to die - I am young. I know it's a line but I do have a lot more to live for. I could get into it but I'm not going to at this juncture.
Just a few more minutes - like hitting the snooze button on the alarm clock 7 more times before I actually drag my lazy procrastinating ass out of bed. I will eventually clean up the bloo, I will eventually have to. but since it is my blood I will just pick my opportune time to do it. Maybe I will wait until one of my friends call - yeah right - first I am more of a closet drama queen and second it is getting cold in here and my neck is uncomfortable; maybe I will take a shower - that way I will have less to clean up - okay, time to stop playing die in the bathtub - I am moving in a couple of weeks and my apartment is too messy - I would be embarrassed if someone was to come into find me like this if my house was messy. If all of this isn't enough there would defiantly be a question of my mentality when they saw that I haven't done laundry in 2 weeks.
Shit I wish my OCD wasn't quite as random...
no date
July 30th, 2002
The water was loud.
If she could concentrate on her breathing and manage not to panic, the noise was almost calming. She tried to relax and trust that her body would float effortlessly om top of the waves. Even though she feared the outcome of water, she always knew that she was safe whenever it was with her. Maybe it had to do with her birth date. She was never sure if any of that had prescedence in her actions or not but could appreciate the parallels.
Something about Gracie was calm. The restlessness had subsided at least for a time. Her body had started to scar and she was healing. She only feared approching time alone, but was continuing to learn how to embrace it. She started to see what she needed to do to heal - from her broken body and her broken soul. That scarred as well, becoming harder to punture or to even feel. But she still did. She knew that it was still there. She glanced at the reflections of its being on quiet occasion. She pretended that she accepted her reality. She knew what it was but couldn't focus on it directly with the reprocussion that she would loose strength.
The slogan 'One Day At A Time' annoyingly came to mind.
It was interesting with a silent dissappointment for her to meet relative acqaintances.
People who could acctually glance at her heart, as she did, without question or inconfidence. The comfort came from knowing that they existed and the dissappointment lie that they had enough relevance to understand that all you could do was glance back with acceptance.
What did that mean in the long term? Gracie knew the answer but in her youth refused to look directly at it.
She got frustrated in her thoughts and tried to make a decision to leave with out a feasible place to leave for. So she tried to let the frustrasion subside. Another day such as this one wouldn't come again for years.
She understood that and grieved.
July 30th, 2002
If she could concentrate on her breathing and manage not to panic, the noise was almost calming. She tried to relax and trust that her body would float effortlessly om top of the waves. Even though she feared the outcome of water, she always knew that she was safe whenever it was with her. Maybe it had to do with her birth date. She was never sure if any of that had prescedence in her actions or not but could appreciate the parallels.
Something about Gracie was calm. The restlessness had subsided at least for a time. Her body had started to scar and she was healing. She only feared approching time alone, but was continuing to learn how to embrace it. She started to see what she needed to do to heal - from her broken body and her broken soul. That scarred as well, becoming harder to punture or to even feel. But she still did. She knew that it was still there. She glanced at the reflections of its being on quiet occasion. She pretended that she accepted her reality. She knew what it was but couldn't focus on it directly with the reprocussion that she would loose strength.
The slogan 'One Day At A Time' annoyingly came to mind.
It was interesting with a silent dissappointment for her to meet relative acqaintances.
People who could acctually glance at her heart, as she did, without question or inconfidence. The comfort came from knowing that they existed and the dissappointment lie that they had enough relevance to understand that all you could do was glance back with acceptance.
What did that mean in the long term? Gracie knew the answer but in her youth refused to look directly at it.
She got frustrated in her thoughts and tried to make a decision to leave with out a feasible place to leave for. So she tried to let the frustrasion subside. Another day such as this one wouldn't come again for years.
She understood that and grieved.
July 30th, 2002
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
